From when I was young I’ve had a strong urge to create, build or rebuild things. I still remember ‘working’ on a car radio at age 4 and probably having some great outcome in mind even though I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.
For me it always has been an over the top all or nothing state of mind. I used to play lead guitar in rock bands and I’m pretty sure I drove my neighbours crazy practicing every minute not being in school. When I started DJ’ing I spend well over 30 hours per week on music next to my regular 40 hour a week job. When I started ‘producing’ music it became even worse, days that I went to bed at 04:00 AM when having to go to work at 08:00 AM were more rule than exception, even though I was absolutely not hindered by any talent whatsoever.
The urge to create, the urge to build something is still pretty strong in me but I guess my motivation has changed, or at least so I hope. I’ve always loved creating something, I love making ideas, preparing and executing and exploring things I’m interested in and I did so quite impulsive and over the top. When I started my ‘producing’ adventure I spend all my money and more on samplers, synths, mixers, effects you name it but had to spend months figuring out how to use the damn machines before being able to produce anything.
But I guess I’ve always had and still have alterior motives that makes me a workaholic, though maybe the name hobby-holic would be better because I definitely don’t (always) dislike what I do. When I was younger I think it had a lot to do with some form of compensation, self-assertion and the need for recognition, probably caused by an extremely well-hidden lack of confidence. Growing older I think my motivations shifted to just liking to just wanting to explore and learn but also the urge to do something meaningful in life and leaving a legacy even though deep down I know that any legacy will soon be forgotten. Also I have the habit of wanting to turn every hobby into a money making business, but then again, who doesn’t…? Right?
I am doomed to an eternity of compulsive work. No set goal achieved satisfies. Success only breeds a new goal. The golden apple devoured has seeds. It is endless. - Bette Davis
Bette Davis hits the nail on the head, so many times I kid myself and people around me that “I just need to finish this and then I will take a rest..” Yeah right! It’s like chasing ghosts and combined with my sometimes sick strive for perfection my compulsive working can drive me and people around me crazy.
So one of my resolutions for 2011 (besides stop smoking, exercise more, be a better lover, be more friendly, no more swearing, eat healthy and of course don’t leave towels on the bathroom floor) is to focus on Tokobagus and for entertainment and side ambition do some blogging hoping people will enjoy reading and maybe sometimes learn something or recognize themselves in these posts. My fish farm, AI project, robotics project, RC helicopter and online shops will have to wait for at least another year. But you know what mostly happens with new years resolutions….